why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
