Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
This toilet bowl is my home.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
