party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I just want nice things and good sex
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Randomize
