if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
