Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
