We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
