The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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