Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
