I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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