I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
