I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
