...so i touched it.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
