The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
