I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
