If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
