She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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