The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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