I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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