He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
