and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
