The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
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Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
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I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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