At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
