i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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