nut hugger
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
