nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
