do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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