I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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