so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
