Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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