chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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