I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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