You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
