did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
