I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
