On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
