we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
