I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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