Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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