I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
