Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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