Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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