The maid of honor just puked.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Everything about him screamed your future.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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