I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
