I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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