Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Enjoy the penises
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
