the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
operation harelip BJ is a go
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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