I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
