I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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