you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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