I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
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Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
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This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"