I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Verdict: uncircumcised.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
