it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
