I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
