yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
