the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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