My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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