Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
she smelled like a LAN party
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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